Usually a it's a Computer Geek, because that's the area I'm working in, and anyway it seems this industry is attracting geeks by the bucketload. Every computer company has their own Geek. He is so easy to spot: male, fat, bearded, hair uncombed, uneven glasses, with his unironed white shirt hanging out, he usually has a loud voice and thinks he's allowed to use it any time he likes to shout when some poor piece of software or hardware has decided not to go his way.
The Geek has been in the company for ever. In fact, he was probably part of the group of people who started the company. The other people who started it have gone to become directors though, but he has not. His total lack of interpersonal skills, coupled with an inability to remotely understand anything that's not technology-related, have prevented him to be of any use to the company apart from an obscure research post.
But the company must keep him, he's part of the furniture. He reminds the directors of the happy period when there was only 4 people working in the company. His current work is probably useless. The Geek doesn't work on any project in particular, he's just THERE. He's got a huge desk full of junk, downloaded print-outs and techy books about obscure new protocols nobody has ever used but which "are going to be the hottest thing since Linux".
The Geek knows all the games you've ever heard of, but you never see Him playing. The Geek, of course, knows about all software known to man, most of whom are uncool and crap (according to Him), except this new shareware stuff some mate of Him from Wyoming has just released. The Geek has just bought a mobile phone, 2 years after everybody else, and is always trying to make it do new things like read His email or something. Geeks' mobile phones never work. Geek is always complaining about it, although all of us who have got one and only use it to talk never had any problems. Geek despises us, because we've never tried to fax or email anybody with it. The fact that we do all that by computer never occurs to Geek.
At some point, you, the unsuspecting victim, are going to be in contact with the Geek. OK, so you've avoided meeting him in the coffee room, in the car park, in the lift, you tend to sit far away from him in general meetings. But you can't escape forever. One day, he's gonna get you. Being cornered in the coffee room is not too bad, although you have to smile and stay polite while he's starting one of his "oh, that's interesting, do you know you could program your coffee machine to insert cool water in the coffee while creating hot moisture, it makes a much nicer high-tech coffee" that seem to go on forever. And if the coffe room meeting never happens, a Geek will find a way to get to you. He will suddenyl appear out of the blue, one day, and mutter some nonsense about you having to shut down your machine because he's trying out something on the company network. Inevitably his experiment won't work (although he'll never admit to that) and everybody will have lost half a day's work and several megs of data once the network is finally put back on by some external consultant. But let's face it, so far, that's not too bad.
No, the worst thing is being told by some project manager or director who obviously doesn't know anything about your real issues, to "go and see the Geek, he may sort out your problem". There comes a point when you have no choice but to talk to him. I mean, go to His desk, interrupt His concentration, and start the dreaded sentence "Hi, I wonder if you can help me, I've got this problem ...". The Geek, at this point (and although He's never done it before), suddenly realises you don't really like Him at all. He hums and eers for what seems forever and starts suggesting some wacky and utterly vague solution, ways to explore, websites to look at, weird experiments to try on your computer system, maybe even suggest things that border on the illegal. Just to get you into trouble. He also usually directs you towards a solution that would force you to go and see Him again ("when you get to that point, come and see me again, we'll see how far you've got").
You'll never go out of this. The point about Geeks is that anything They suggest is completely unapplicable in the real world. Geeks don't actually create anything. They have a lot of wacky ideas, that presumably hit their brains during those long hours spent alone at home (Geeks aren't very sociable, except when you go out to the pub with your workmates just because gorgeous Leanne from Sales is going too and Geek is there to interrupt your priovate conversation and starts telling technical stories ending with him laughing his head off, scaring away all the people enjoying a quiet drink. It has to be noted att his point that Geeks can drink. However, they tend to drink their pints with a discusting blurp, and they drink while still holding their briefcase in their left or right hand for some reason.). Anyway, Geeks try out a lot of things, can make an HTML link to a Linux server download some automated software that's going to generate a virtual Doom player, but everything they create has got no commercial value whatsoever. If you tell a Geek to check a piece of your code, he'll transform it forever so that it doesn't work, but it can generate random socket connections to a server of the US Army in California.
Companies where there are several Geeks are quite rare, thankfully. However, it does happen. And - read this - it's usually better. Geeks don't like each other. A Geek is a very territorial animal. However, in the presence of another Geek, He will not react like an animal: an animal would fight to get the other one's territory too. A Geek will adopt a sulking strategy. Sulking Geeks are great. They don't talk any more, they don't invade anybody's space, they don't try anything destructive on the network. A Geek will react to the presence of another Geek by REDUCING His space. That's their way to make sure the other Geek doesn't invade it. They make it smaller, more difficult to find, restrict it to some obscure area nobody's ever going to step on, even not another Geek. and so that will make it less likely you and Him are ever going to be in contact.
So there you have it. The best way to counter a Geek is to find another one. Or several other ones. And to have a laugh, find a large room, and put all their desk in it. And watch. There's nothing funnier than fat, bearded Geeks argumenting with each other with their loud voices about some useless software feature and then sulking for the rest of the day.
In fact, Geeks are good for you.
Microsoft, the word automatically brings to mind Bill Gates. There's no escaping it, the two are entwined, one unto the other, you can't think about one without the other. Now Microsoft, to even the most computer illiterate reader have created a computer hedgemony with few rivals. To anyone in the workplace who uses a computer, chances are you're using Windows, Word, Excel etc... Ok so you can't get away from this. Microsoft may seem to dominate the applications software market, squeezing out the little guy. OK so this may not be fair.
But what I cannot stand is people whinging on about microsoft all the time. Has anyone notice that people who tend to rant on about Bill
Gates ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE Bill Gates? It is nothing but purely nerdish jealousy, because he has success and they don't. The
picture is of one such person who is a typical example. For claritys sake, I have removed the anorak and the thermos flask, but as you can see
all the hallmarks of a Bill Gates lookalike are there.
If these geeks actually could see the big picture then they would realise that when one company has a monopoly then development and research actually takes of in leaps and bounds. Why? Because they want your money and the only way to part you from your cash is to bring something better than what you already have. Rather than competition where everything is pushed into marketing and promotion.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not an avid member of the love Bill Gates society, I'm just fed up off getting emails entitled 100 reasons why Bill Gates is the antichrist, or people whinging about how he'll take over the world. This invariably springs from the 'its microsoft and its crap' mentality. IF THIS IS SO THEN USE ANOTHER PACKAGE LIKE I DO, JUST STOP BENDING MY EAR!