Driving

The following diatribe is directed at those tossers who think that driving very aggressively and recklessly somehow bestows upon them the swagger and countenance normally associated with having a huge todger. It wasn't meant to be a sweeping generalisation about male drivers just drivers who drive like they have something to prove. As it happens, most of these are men.

I like driving. I would like it still more if it weren't for the annoying fuckwits out there in ever increasing numbers, who insist on cutting me up, driving a hair's breadth from my tailpipe, etc etc.

To keep me sane, I have identified various groups of road users and their most likely transgressions. It does help to have some idea what to expect.

1) The "I love Jesus" Nissan drivers

WHERE TO FIND THEM:
Very common in and around SE London.

HOW TO RECOGNISE THEM:
At least one sticker in their rear window proclaiming "Thank God for Jesus!" or "I love Jesus" or, worse, "Jesus is for life; not just for Christmas". As for the car itself, usually a beaten up old Nissan.

WHAT THEY DO:

More appropriately: WHAT THEY DON'T DO: well, they never use their mirrors, and a favourite sport appears to be "getting over a roundabout without looking right". It's almost as though they have a protective force around them protecting them from harm. I have seen this countless times (working as I do in SE London) yet never have I seen one such driver come to any harm from this utter disregard about the actions of other road users. I've lost count of the amount of times I've sat waiting at a particularly busy roundabout (the sort of roundabout where normal rules go out the window, to be replaced by utter chaos) and witnessed these drivers sailing across without a care in the world, not to mention even a cursory glance to their right. It defeats me. Whether this protective shield is a function of their implicit faith in the power of the Lord (oh yeah) to protect them, or whether it is a matter of almost unbelievable luck, is not clear.

2) The boy racer

WHERE TO FIND THEM:
The one way systems of small provincial towns

HOW TO RECOGNISE THEM:
You are likely to hear them before you see them. Loud pipes, loud musak (though I've nothing against a good in-car sound system, except a tendency for it to be robbed) and the inherent ability to drive like a complete wanker. Usually accompanied by stickers on the back window advertising either a philosophy ("No Fear") or the brand of their car stereo.

WHAT THEY DO:
Drive with their bell-end, not their brain.

3) The Volvo driver

WHERE TO FIND THEM:
Especially prevalent during school runs

HOW TO RECOGNISE THEM:
Famed amongst the biker population for their singular refusal to use their wing mirrors, synonymous with the phrase "sorry mate I didn't see you", the Volvo driver, secure in his SIPS-strengthened steel cage, has less cause for concern at the prospect of a collision than most other road users and as a consequence displays a certain gung-ho quality to his driving. Driving around in a tank apparently helps to foster conviction in the Volvo driver that he has the right of way at all times - and who would argue with what amounts to an armoured vehicle?

WHAT THEY DO:

Conduct their journeys in the smug fashion of the truly cosseted "nothing can touch me" motorist.


4) The old bugger

WHERE TO FIND THEM:
In the slow lane

HOW TO RECOGNISE THEM:
By virtue of the fact that most people can run faster than they drive. Granted, they are less dangerous than your average boy racer or Volvo driver, though they do pose their own very particular threats. Prone to sudden lane changes without recourse to either wing mirrors or throttle, they bumble along in their own little world, blissfully unaware of the havoc they create behind them, in terms of frustrated drivers, forced to tail them for miles at 20mph.

5) The driver who doesn't know the width of their car

WHERE TO FIND THEM:
Everywhere.

HOW TO RECOGNISE THEM:
These are the people who drive down the middle of the road, displaying a total lack of awareness of the size of their car. Because of this they are also prone to hitting the brakes at the mere sight of an oncoming car, despite copious yardage on either side. On the positive side, they are unlikely to smash off the wing mirrors of motors parked along the street.



6) The 4 x 4 about-town driver

WHERE TO FIND THEM:
Unfeasibly common in built up areas. Particularly common around very bad drivers.

HOW TO RECOGNISE THEM:
I can think of only one reason why a townie would want a 4x4. That is, to have a bigger and better vehicle with which to intimidate and threaten other road users to get out of the way. Only the other day I was driving down a lane, when I was approached by a monster 4x4 at speed, right in the middle of the lane. I had to veer off into the bushes to avoid being carved up.

WHAT THEY DO:
Well they certainly don't bloody move. You can't just drive at them and hope they will move over. No. Because the people who drive them are exactly the sort of people who don't want to give an inch out there on the road as it might somehow affect the size of their dick. I may buy one.



7) Queue-jumpers

WHERE TO FIND THEM:
All over, yet particularly apparent around the DFS roundabout in Sidcup.

HOW TO RECOGNISE THEM:
They are the ones who wait in the left-hand lane (clearly marked for people turning left), gunning their engines ready for a grand prix start from the lights, so they can cut in front of people in the correct lane. This really does my head in.

WHAT THEY DO:
Annoy the pants off people like me.

Why do these people think they can drive

Driving down the road daily, it occurs to me that the idiot either changing lanes without looking or riding so close to my bumper he could lick my license plate, is also allowed to choose the leader of our country. Never mind the fact that every candidate who actually gets up for election is the same as his opponant, it's the principle of the thing. These idiots, who don't know that their one ton vehicle will take more than a foot to stop should I have to apply my brakes to avoid some bimbo putting on her make-up on the way to work so she can sleep her way past us poor bums who have to rely on our actual job skills, are supposed to be smart enough to elect a world leader?

Why is driving seen as an inalienable right to be given to even all? We allow the aged, handicapped, and profoundly stupid to get behind the wheel of a projectile weighing upwards of 2,000 pounds! Pollitical correctness has doomed us to highways filled with mouth-breathing juvenile delinquints, senile retirees, and those so absorbed in their pointless existances that they crook a cellphone in their necks while weaving from lane to lane in a desperate attempt to be the first one into the morass of rush-hour traffic jams.

They wait until the last 40 feet to merge when signs 1,000 feet back clearly indicate the lane is about to end, they agresively close distance when it is apparent the traffic ahead has taken on all the speed characteristics of a garden snail. My favorite is the idiot driving with his parking lights on, does he think he's saving energy?

I thinks it's high time we initiated a driving test based on literacy and cognitive skills. Oh, wait, who would drive Congress to work?